FEINBERG PAVILION – After a six month investigation, Flipside investigators have identified Ben Rubino, General Surgery PGY5, as the sole reason for the NMH cafeteria closure. Initially, Northwestern Medicine cited the cafeteria operating at a loss despite charging $12.92 for a sandwich, chips, and small soda. Investigators quickly recognized that the numbers did not add up and suspected theft. After reviewing hundreds of hours of video footage, The Flipside is confident in accusing Rubino, and no one or nothing else, in the cafeteria’s failure, as he regularly stole multiple granola bars.

A preliminary report yet to be released to the public looked at security footage inside the cafeteria for one month and found that Rubino stole exactly two granola bars every day for the entire month of July 2013. A still photo from the video evidence is shown above. Extrapolating that data over the seven years of his tenure at NMH (including research years), Dr. Rubino stole at least $20,000 worth of granola bars based on the completely reasonable price of $3.99 per bar. That kind of lost profit could easily induce bankruptcy, as everyone knows that the economic climate of urban hospital cafeterias is volatile.

Ben Rubino is currently wanted by NMH security and is considered at large, extremely dangerous, and armed with multiple scalpel blades.

The Northwestern Medicine business management can rest easy knowing that they are most definitely not to blame for the cafeteria’s demise. It absolutely had nothing to do with placing private restaurants with superior food immediately adjacent to it, the fact that the cafeteria food was pretty awful, or that a single slice of pizza was $6.25.