CHICAGO — Claiming “I’d just mowed the darn thing!” and “these little punks have no business being out during school hours,” a visibly tempered AOSC screamed at an area group of giggling teenagers to “Scram! Vamoose! Get the heck outta here!”

In between bouts of fist shaking, AOSC informed Flipside reporters:  “You know fertilizer and gasoline aren’t free!  Who’s going to pay for the extra yard upkeep with these hooligans tromping all over the place? I don’t have the money for that this coming summer!”

AOSC was able to entertain Flipside reporters for a brief interview in his quaint, 1,000 square-foot, light blue ranch home.

“Let me just flip off Matlock real quick.  You need anything? I’ve got some great prune juice…or some orange Metamucil if you’re a bit blocked up.”

AOSC proceeded to inform Flipside reporters about how well his grandson Jeffery is doing at the university (“He’s going to be a business man, you know!”), how slippery the darn sidewalks can get in the wintertime, and about how he’s sure the cable repair worker stole his new Timex.

At press time, AOSC was making a trip to the local bank to deposit some 3,000 pennies into savings while muttering something under his breath regarding a “darn lack of work ethic these days!”