Hughes Auditorium – In light of recent numerous issues, the Feinberg School of Medicine is scrapping its dysfunctional IT department completely and focusing all funds on a project to re-animate Steve Jobs.

“It’ll simply be easier to bring Mr. Jobs back to life than to fix the problems we have,” explained IT Coordinator Karen Brown. “Students rely on recorded lectures and we don’t want to delay a solution any longer.” She went on to explain to Flipside reporters that she fully expects the quirky technology genius to have some fantastic ideas. “Mr. Jobs may pursue tasks as innovative as actually recording lectures, allowing view speed to be altered by students, and offering one simple downloadable file.” These concepts, now deemed science fiction, aren’t expected to be a barrier for Mr. Jobs.

The project, colloquially deemed iGiveUp, is expected to begin immediately on April 31st.